


You Can Cancel Christmas But You Can't Stop The Apocalypse

by Yavannie



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Darcy Lewis Secret Santa Exchange, Drinking, F/M, Female Friendship, Gen, Humor, Relationship Problems, Sassy Darcy Lewis, Swearing, Thor Can Be A Blockhead Sometimes, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:11:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5542862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yavannie/pseuds/Yavannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor and Jane's Christmas plans are rudely interrupted by an alien invasion, and Thor ships Jane off to Scandinavia to keep her safe. Again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Cancel Christmas But You Can't Stop The Apocalypse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NightValdez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightValdez/gifts).



> Written for the DLSS exchange. Merry Christmas nightvaldez on tumblr!

“It could be worse.”

 

With sleepy slowness, Darcy turned her head towards Jane who was still staring out the window. _How?_ she wanted to ask. _How could it possibly be worse?_ “Of course it could,” she said as cheerfully as she could muster.

 

“I mean, so far, granddad hasn’t approved of a single one of my boyfriends, so at least we don’t have to go through all that.”

 

Darcy snorted. “Yeah well, his standards are pretty extreme. I doubt he’d even approve of Captain Spanglepants.”

 

There was the tiniest hint of a smile on Jane’s lips. “He’s got a soft spot for Steve, but you’re probably right.” Then, with a deep sigh, she sank back into the brooding slouch she’d had ever since they took off from JFK that morning.

 

Darcy squirmed in her seat. She probably ought to say something more, something friendly and comforting, the kind of thing a great bestie would say. Only what would a great bestie say in a situation like this? The soft _bing_ of the fasten seat belt sign saved her temporarily, the melodic voice of the steward ringing out over the PA.

 

“ _Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We are now beginning our descent into Stockholm, and the fasten seat belt sign has been switched on. We ask that you return to your seats, put your tray tables up and your seatbacks in the upright position…_ ”

 

Darcy prodded Jane, and forced a smile. “Yay, time for snow and moose and stuff.”

 

“Yay,” said Jane listlessly, and with another sigh slammed her tray table up and fastened her seatbelt.

 

 

* * *

 

“Yay…” said Darcy, looking out across the rain-drenched taxi rank. “I guess global warming is hitting Sweden hard this year.”

 

“Darcy, how many times do I have to tell you that while climate change is real…”

 

“…weather isn’t climate, I know, I know.”

 

It _was_ unseasonably hot, their driver informed them as the streetlights of the suburbs flickered by on their way towards Erik’s Stockholm address. “The warmest December in almost forty years. Right now it’s colder in Turkey where my sister is on holiday.”

 

“Are there any ski slopes open?” asked Darcy. “Or skate rinks?” 

 

The driver laughed and shook his head. “That’s climate change for you.”

 

The fact that Jane didn’t even bat an eye was worrying, and to top it off, all her plans for the week seemed to have been cancelled due to not just one, but several shitty weather gods. The situation was getting desperate. “What about the moose?” 

 

“The moose?”

 

* * *

 

“How was I supposed to know they live in forests?” she complained as they hauled their bags up the worn stairs in Erik’s apartment block.

 

“It’s a wild animal, Darcy.”

 

“It’s more like a cow, really. They could keep them on farms…”

 

Three more elevator-less flights of stairs later they were standing outside Erik Selvig’s flat. Jane fumbled with the key for a few seconds, rattling it in the lock. “It’s not locked,” she said.

 

“Typical Erik move to leave your front door unlocked while you go live in another country,” said Darcy.

 

Jane cracked the door open, and a warm light spilled out onto the landing. “Erik?” she called.

 

“Are you kidding me? He drove us to the airport. How and why would he–“

 

Darcy found herself abruptly silenced by the appearance of a ridiculously handsome, unreasonably tall young man in the doorway. He looked at them in turn, then said something in Swedish in a questioning voice.

 

“Um,” said Jane with a little laugh, clearly not completely unaffected by the sandy blonde hunk, “we’re looking for Erik Selvig’s flat. I thought it was here?” She yanked the key out of the lock and dangled it in front of him. “We have a key and everything.”

 

“You’d better come in then,” said the man with only the slightest hint of an accent. “Dad didn’t tell me he was expecting visitors. He probably forgot.”

 

Darcy spluttered. “I’m sorry, what? _Dad?_ You’re Erik’s _son_?”

 

“Alex,” he said, extending his hand. “And I’m one of six, actually. Plus one sister.”

 

“My brain is officially having a meltdown. Jane, did you know about this?”

 

Jane shook her head slowly. “I had no idea he had family. He never told me.”

 

Alex merely shrugged as he stepped aside to let them in. “He probably forgot.”

 

* * *

 

The house was old, nestled in the hills of the southern island of Södermalm, still sporting old iron ovens, quaint ceramic stoves and wooden floors. Erik’s apartment was cluttered but remarkably tidy, and from the lingering smell of detergent, Darcy strongly suspected Alex had something to do with it. There was only one bedroom, which he offered them immediately, and throwing back the curtains revealed a tiny balcony and a stunning view of Stockholm.

 

“Look, Jane!” she said. “There’s that Nobel palace we had dinner in last year!”

 

“It’s the City Hall,” replied Jane tiredly, throwing her suitcase on the bed. “I’m going to have a bath.”

 

“Awesome! Because this time around, we’re swapping seminars for schnapps, am I right?”

 

“You do whatever you want, Darce. I’m going to have a bath and then probably hit the sack.”

 

While Jane rummaged around in her bag, Darcy took a few deep breaths. Her friend was close to hitting rock bottom, she knew. She’d have to take _precautions_. _Goddamned…gods,_ she thought _._ As if on queue, her phone buzzed in her pocket, and her hunch of who was texting was indeed 110% correct.

 

Thorrrrrr

Dec. 23, 2015 10:31 PM 

Did you land safely?

 

The mere sight of his name at the top of the screen made her seethe. For a couple of seconds she considered leaving him wondering, but chances were he’d actually start calling.

 

Me

Dec. 23, 2015 10:31 PM

Yes. Did you finish saving the world yet?

 

Thorrrrrr

Dec. 23, 2015 10:32 PM

It’s not that simple.

 

With a disgusted noise, she dimmed the screen and tossed the phone on the bed. Then she picked it up again and changed Thor’s display name to ‘Thundercunt’ before heading into the living room to see if there was anything edible around. A quick survey told her there were satsumas, walnuts and Alex.

 

“What brings you to Stockholm?” he asked her politely as she grappled with the nut cracker.

 

“Uh, have you been watching the news lately?” With a wooden plop, the walnut shot across the room, thankfully landing safely in a potted plant.

 

“I can’t say I have actually.”

 

“Turn ‘em on.”

 

“The last broadcast has been and gone.”

 

“Trust me.”

 

Ten minutes and several successfully cracked nuts (it became easier once she started thinking of them as _Thor’s_ nuts) later, Alex had regained his ability to speak.

 

“That’s…her…boyfriend?”

 

Darcy watched the slow motion footage of Thor, Sam and Wanda struggling with some kind of force field for the umpteenth time. “Unfortunately, yes. Doesn’t Erik tell you anything?”

 

“Apparently not. So actual Norse god of thunder Thor sent you here to keep you safe?”

 

“Yep. Again. This is like the fourth time he pulls this crap on Jane. _And_ he was going to meet her family for the first time for Christmas.”

 

“Who can blame him?” It was Jane, who had snuck up behind them in her pajamas and a towel turban. “Being a superhero is a full time occupation. Any news?”

 

“Nope,” said Darcy cheerfully while Jane sat down next to her, eyes fixed on the screen. “Turn it off!” she mouthed to Alex, who quickly obeyed.

 

“Hey, I was watching that.” 

 

“Sweetie, we both know there’s no point.” Darcy awkwardly put her arm around Jane’s shoulders. She felt so tiny and fragile, but Darcy knew better than to be deceived by appearances. Beneath that introvert surface, she was bubbling, boiling with frustration.

 

“I’m going to bed,” said Jane, getting to her feet just a little too quickly.

 

“Right,” said Darcy, extending her hand. “Phone. Now.”

 

“Darcy…”

 

“You know why. Alex, are you going out or staying in?”

 

“I was on my way out when you guys turned up.”

 

“Right, good, remove the batteries from the remote. Is the wifi password protected?”

 

“Yes, it’s…”

 

“No, don’t tell me! And don’t tell Jane.”

 

Alex looked more confused than ever while Jane simply groaned and put her head in her hands. Darcy turned to her and gently patted her knee. “It’s either that or we let Alex show us how vikings celebrate Christmas, okay? I mean, I’d definitely prefer the latter, but if you want to lie sleepless with no contact with the outside world, then that’s a choice I’ll respect.” She glanced at Alex with a desperate pleading in her eyes. He shrugged and nodded with a little smile, and she grinned back at him.

 

“Fine,” said Jane, throwing her hands up. “You win. Maybe I can drink myself into oblivion.”

 

“Yay, oblivion!” said Darcy, reaching out to Alex for a high five.

 

“Yay,” said Alex, slapping her hand uncertainly. 

 

They didn’t have to walk far for Darcy to realize they’d basically ended up in the Brooklyn of Stockholm. Every bar seemed to have its own micro brewery and a selection of organic wines on display in fairy light-speckled windows, but Alex passed them all until they arrived at a small set of stairs leading into a dungeon-like cellar that smelled of earth and spices.

 

“This place makes amazing mulled wine,” he explained over the din of some indistinguishable pop song barking from a malfunctioning speaker.

 

“Yeah,” said Darcy doubtfully, looking around at the sparse crowd of mainly middle aged men and women of varying shapes and sizes, the only common denominators of whom seemed to be that they were grumpy, alone, and fiercely protective of their respective tables. “It had better be truly amazing mulled wine.”

 

* * *

 

“This is ah-mah-zing,” slurred Jane, waving her cup around dangerously, the dark red liquid inside threatening to slosh out at any moment. 

 

“Word,” said Darcy, slamming her empty mug down on the table. She grabbed another handful of almonds and crammed them into her mouth.

 

“You put them in,” said Alex, pointing slowly at his drink. “In here.”

 

“Speak for yourself, heathen,” mumbled Darcy, spraying bits of nuts over the table. “I don’t trust anyone who puts raisins in their drink.”

 

“I need to pee,” said Jane, sliding off her seat and hobbling off.

 

Darcy drew a relieved breath. So far, everything was going pretty well. Jane was drunk as a skunk and Alex was looking more handsome with every drink. She gave him a little wink, which he politely ignored, taking a deep swig from his mug. _Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all_.

 

“She’s really worried about Thor, isn’t she?” he said, looking over his shoulder after Jane. 

 

Darcy coughed. “Worried? Hah. I wish.”

 

He frowned. “Then what’s her problem?”

 

“Hoo, boy. I don’t think we have time for that. She’ll be five minutes, tops.”

 

“Then give me the short version.”

 

She carefully lifted her glasses off, then pinched the bridge of her nose. “Right. Imagine your girlfriend - or boyfriend…do you have one, by the way?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Shame. Okay, but imagine they’re part of a group of friends who all hang out and do awesome stuff, like, I don’t know, save the world, smash a bunch of crap to pieces and invent really cool tech gadgets on a regular basis. There’s a couple of really smart guys, a couple more who can fly, one of them can literally control minds. In short, the BBFs of your SO are all amazeballs and interesting and you’d love to just hang out with them and join them on all their adventures. And why shouldn’t you? Because actually, you’re one of the smartest people in the world and you have _so much_ you want to talk to these guys about, not to mention your work ties in to pretty much everything they do. But - and here’s the catch - your partner won’t let you. Every time something cool is going down, they send you to the other side of the world and go party with their friends alone.”

 

Alex stared at her. “Uh…you’re talking about the Avengers, right?” he managed after a while.

 

Darcy gave him an unimpressed smirk. “Well done, ten points to Sweden.”

 

“Ha ha. But listen, he’s a superhero, and a god, and _immortal_ , and Jane… Well, she isn’t, right? I’m sure _he’s_ just worried…”

 

“…And that’s the problem! How are you ever going to have a functional relationship if your boyfriend orders you to leave the country every time he’s gotta work? Jane was in the middle of something huge when this thing came up, and all of a sudden he turns up all ‘Jane, my love. You must needs travel to Scandiwegia where ’tis safe.’ And she had to leave everything behind. We were on our way down to NASA when–“

 

“Hey, speaking of NASA,” Alex interrupted her, nodding at something behind her. “Isn’t that their headquarters?” 

 

She turned around and spotted a TV above the bar. The bartender was staring at it, mouth hanging open, and on the screen she could see the familiar building at Two Independence Square in DC. “Yeah, it is,” she said, furrowing her brow. It was a news broadcast, and the picture cut to an interior view and a familiar face. “But why…” Then she saw Jane, sitting at the bar, staring at the screen. “ _Shit_.”

 

“Look,” said Jane as Darcy scrambled onto the barstool next to her. “My work. In the hands of Tony motherflippin’ Stark.”

 

Darcy looked, and she saw. The volume was too low for them to hear what he was saying, but Tony was holding a very familiar notebook in one hand, and on a laptop screen behind him, she could just about glimpse ASTRO, the framework for intercepting interstellar transmissions that Jane had designed. Jane and she, Darcy Lewis, underpaid intern extraordinaire and part-time dabbler in C++, had made that, and now Mr Pop Culture Reference himself was flaunting it like it was his own.

 

“What an _asshole_.”

 

“That’s freaking _it_ ,” said Jane angrily, slamming her fist down on the bar.

 

Darcy grabbed her hand. “Hey, it’s okay to swear. You’re drunk and angry.”

 

“Right, right,” said Jane, nodding. “That’s…fucking _it_.”

 

“Damn straight!” said Darcy. “Wait, what exactly is ‘it’?”

 

Jane hopped down on the floor and made for their table, picked up her jacket and yanked it on. “I’m going back.”

 

“You have the key?” asked Alex, eyeing Jane cautiously. The jacket was inside out, pockets flapping as she wrapped her scarf around her neck. “Someone should probably walk you.”

 

“I’m going back there,” she said, pointing at the TV. “I don’t give a flying frick what Thor has to say about it. He can go suck a duck. And I do _not_ need walking.” She stalked off, still swaying drunkenly.

 

“I’ll go,” said Darcy, grabbing her coat and hurrying after her up the stairs and into the street. She followed a couple of yards behind Jane, fished out her phone and began tapping away furiously.

 

Me

Dec. 24, 2015 01:12 AM

You’ve really done it this time. Jane’s about to book herself onto the next flight across the pond.

 

Thundercunt

Dec. 24, 2015 01:13 AM

No. It’s far too dangerous. Distract her.

 

Me

Dec. 24, 2015 01:13 AM

Not this time. You let Tony have ASTRO. Dick move, bro. I’m coming too.

 

Thundercunt

Dec. 24, 2015 01:15 AM

Please, don’t do this. I cannot lose her.

 

Me

Dec. 24, 2015 01:16 AM

I think you already have.

 

She tucked the phone away, determined to let him mull over that one, then ran a few steps to catch up with Jane, but before she even made it that far, the phone started ringing. 

 

“It’s him,” she called out to Jane.

 

“I don’t want to talk to him!” said Jane without turning around. “I’ve got nothing, _nothing,_ to say to him.”

 

Darcy rolled her eyes and answered it. “Yep.”

 

“ _Is Jane there?_ ”

 

“She doesn’t want to talk.”

 

“ _Can you tell her I apologize for ruining our plans for Christmas?_ ”

 

“He says sorry for fucking up Christmas,” Darcy said.

 

“Ha!” barked Jane. “Tell him he’s a useless lump of…crap!”

 

“She says you’re a fucking idiot.”

 

“ _Did she really say that?_ ”

 

“That’s what she meant.”

 

“ _Listen, Darcy, Stark says he is close to finding a solution to this. I think I may be able to make the 25th. If she still wants me there_.”

 

“He says he might be finished saving the world by the 25th.”

 

Jane stopped dead in her tracks. “Oh…my… _god!_ ” she yelled, hands raised and face turned skywards.

 

“She says–“

 

“ _I heard her,_ ” Thor groaned.

 

“Well, I agree.”

 

“Why are you still talking to him?!”

 

“Yeah, why am I still talking to you?” said Darcy, clicking the call away.

 

* * *

 

“I should have talked to him myself. I’m so sorry, Darcy. You’re my friend, not some kind of agony aunt.”

 

They were back in Erik’s apartment, lying side by side on the bed, and despite Jane’s best efforts, no amount of calls to Scandinavian Airlines would get them on a plane until next morning. The room was spinning ever so slightly from the copious amounts of mulled wine she’d consumed, but Darcy could feel the buzz wearing off, and even Jane seemed reasonably sober.

 

“It’s okay. You know, for a fifth wheel, at least it’s always an interesting road to roll.”

 

Jane winced. “Are we really that bad?”

 

Darcy shrugged. “He’s a great guy, Jane. But you really need to work this one out.”

 

“Yeah. I’m not sure we can. Unless he–“

 

“I know,” said Darcy quietly, and acting on impulse, she turned on her side and put her hand on Jane’s shoulder. With a little sigh, Jane followed suit, shuffling back until they were nestled close, and within minutes, they were sleeping.

 

* * *

 

Darcy woke from the familiar sound of roof tiles sliding and smashing onto stone, followed by a loud crash from outside. Gently, she shook Jane.

 

“I think Thor’s here,” she said.

 

Jane stirred, then tensed before bouncing out of the bed to pull away the curtains. The balcony was almost too small for the two of them to fit, but Jane squeezed through the door and faced him, arms crossed. He reached out for her, then thought better of it and nervously tossed Mjolnir from one hand to the other.

 

“What do you want?” said Jane.

 

“I’m sorry–“ he started.

 

“I know, you said. You shouldn’t have come. Christmas is already cancelled anyway, and you can go back to your friends and–“

 

“Jane, that’s not why I’m here.”

 

“–and I hope you all have a fantastic time together with Tony and Bruce and ASTRO, and–“

 

“Jane,” said Thor, more urgently. “Do you have anything warmer to wear?”

 

Jane opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. “What? Why?”

 

“Wind chill. If you fly with me, we will make it in time.”

 

“I already told you, I cancelled the plans.”

 

“You can’t stop the apocalypse.”

 

A slow smile was spreading on Darcy’s lips. She knew it was rude to eavesdrop, but this was totally worth it. Jane, however, seemed slow on the uptake.

 

“What are you talking about?” she said, still hugging herself defensively.

 

Thor reached out again and gently pried her hand loose, then took it both of his. “You were right. All your work on the wormholes and the portals, all your research - it’s too complex for us to grasp. You hold the key to stopping this invasion. Will you come with me, Jane? We need your help. I need your help.”


End file.
